Recently I had the mediocrity of traveling to Texas. That sentence might mess with you a little, since its so…wrong. But I can’t really say ‘joy’. It’s TEXAS. Give me a break.

I got a pedicure with my sister and her best friend who was also visiting Texas the same time I was. The same time two of our cousins from our now HUGE English family we recently discovered were visiting as well. Made for a full house. So getting out for a bit was a good idea, especially to have my I-am-a-white-woman-so-I-am-better-than-you attitude reinforced by having a Vietnamese person sit at your feet and scrub, tickle, massage, and grope your feet and legs for 30 minutes.

Disclaimer: I really am not that bigoted. I think.

When I got there, there was a large white woman sitting in a chair already, getting her feet scrubbed. Part of the pedicure process.

All I remember about this lady is the distinct impression her body gave of being made of FLESH. Pale, pink-toned, jiggly, blue veined flesh. She had on capris and a tank top, so she was mostly covered and guess what? It was STILL TOO MUCH.

She also had that color hair I HATE. The ash color. The color of the void. It’s not brown, blonde, grey, red…fucking PURPLE. It’s just….the definition of drab. Without hue. Tone. Vibrance. Ugh.

Well, I shrugged off the fact that I’d be sitting next to someone that represented like, 4 of the deadly sins. It happens sometimes. Sat down, put my feet in the water, almost kicked my tech in the face when she broke out the pumice like I do every time because I’m ungodly ticklish. And right about that time I looked over to see what she was reading, because my amazing periph told me it was not that special rectangular shape reserved for magazines.

And, it was the Bible.

Actually, it was a book of Proverbs.

Only in Texas. Right about this time I notice that her nail tech is STILL scrubbing her feet. Like, they hadn’t moved onto anything, like hot stones, wax treatments, lotion, massage….nope. She was still getting her little piggies washed. 25 minutes later.

If you’ve ever seen James and the Giant Peach, the movie made sometime within the last 10 years? To the Google. 1996. Awesome flick. The two evil aunts? The fat one? Sponge. Thats this lady. Looks just like her. Which is perhaps why I got the distinct impression she was evil when I sat down. And I kind of recoiled. Hello, 5 dolla word. The actress Miriam Margolyes? Played the headmistress in Matilda, too. Yep, see. EVIL.

My nail tech is putting the white on my toe tips…and she’s still getting her feet scrubbed. They’re putting rhinestones on my sister’s friend’s toenails….scrubbin’ away. Putting our flip flops on and walking out the door…guess? Scrub-a-dub-dub.

All I’m sayin’ is….if her feet are that bad…do you think her vagina has leprosy?