I was working a lunch shift the other day. That statement applies everyday in my life.

Single older man is sat in my section, I go to greet him. He tells me he wants a Pepsi. I ask him if he’s ready to order, and he responded by throwing his hands up in the air and asking, “Do you have BURRITOS? I just want a BURRITO.”

Dude, don’t cry. Yes, we have burritos. Right in the fucking middle of the fucking middle page in the fucking menu. I thought he was going to start crying for his mother in the 5 seconds it took for me to explain that to him and point.

“Well, ok, then. I just want a beef burrito.”

“Alright, no problem. Thanks.”

On my way back to the kitchen I share this little episode with one of my fellow servers, as we do throughout a shift, because sometimes people are just so ridiculous and it must be shared. She does the same to me all the time, and it usually results in us giggling a lot more. For us to know that we’re not alone, that everyone gets sat with a crazy every now and then.

He finishes his burrito, and I go to his table to drop the check. He points to the basket of chips he’s eaten 3 out of. “You’re just going to throw those away, aren’t you?”

“Um, yup.”

“Well, can I have a box to take these home? I can feed them to my squirrels. And NO STYROFOAM. I don’t want anything styrofoam!”

Soothingly I say, “We have bags. Paper bags. And they’re BROWN. (My mind whispers, ‘Like the Earth.’) Is that ok?” Fucking hippie.

“Yes, that’d be fine.”

I go to the bar to get said brown bag, and I have to tell someone what the hell this guy just said to me, and my friend isn’t around, so I tell my boss, who is sitting at the bar, writing something or doing whatever the hell he does sitting at the bar, to which he responds, “That’s not weird.”

What the fuck? He says, “It’s Florida.”

I don’t care if we’re in fucking Taiwan, it’s weird. Squirrels in Florida are rodents, pests. This man HAS some, that he feeds. And when his roof collapses on him because there’s 50 in his attic, he’s going to curse the day he brought home chips to feed them.

Besides which, you don’t want styrofoam, but you’re okay with messing up the eco system and feeding squirrels corn chips that are probably loaded with saturated fat. Hippiecrite.

Oh, my job. I’ll look back on this time on my life someday and have acid reflux.