The Trouble Is…

Hello, internet. Been a while. I’ve been reading books, not blog posts, which explains my absence.

Congratulations Damon, to getting married. I didn’t know the date of the wedd, and I got the invite like 4 days before it, so no card. Snot happening. Enjoy the sex. A lot. Gimme the lo dizzle.

I have updated my theme again, as my OCD is prone to allow me. I cooked Shepherds Pie for dinner, with some Bisto gravy. Now thats all done, I’m off to bed. I twittered, too. Whoop whoop.

Lately I’ve been seriously considering moving to France. For many, many reasons. First and foremost, I have this weird desire to go there and BE. Like, I’m supposed to be there already, but I’m freaking late. LATE. I’m not late for anything.

Wade has his porn on the computer, and by porn, I mean not naked women. Although that is looked at also. I mean our individual eye candy. He likes to peruse bobber motorcycles on ebay and other such sites while I listen to new music, check out vegan blogs, and read about moving to France. And I look at gites. With gorgeous gardens and rooms that make me want to be there last week. Where is my vespa? Where are my eggless baguettes (is there such thing) and beautiful, seductive French men?

Sidenote: There is a man I work with who for some reason is SO INCREDIBLY sexy right now. I was so horny yesterday that I thought if I walked too much I might rub one out by myself, and when he found this out he tormented by coming up behind me and standing really close. Breathing on my neck and rubbing his facial hair on me, hugging me for longer than necessary and just touching me on the arms and slipping his fingers over my ass and then later he ALMOST ALMOST made me cheat on my SOULMATE by asking for a kiss in Spanish in a very, very entreating, pleading way. “Un beso, por favor”.

I need to tell you that at that point I put my head in my hands, and I had to take deep, slow breaths, and remind myself of a commitment to someone else. I shouldn’t need a reminder, but my vagina was freaking aching. God, I should have turned around and smacked one on him, and then tore off our clothes and done it against the counter……sigh. This is the effect that horniness has. Its ridiculous. I understand how people cheat–they’re weak. When faced with that, I mean, GOD. But I’m not that weak. Spicy Chilean men seem to be my weakness this week. And I need to say out loud in webspace that if I did not have Wade in my life I would have slept with this man SO many times. He has this uncanny ability to be inches away from me and make my body feel like its on fire. And that is so Nora Roberts of me to say, but she must have had a spicy Chilean like mine.

Back to the Freedom country….I’ve checked out books on France and took some language lessons online, and read about the economy, culture, food, etc. I’m still going strong. If anyone has anything to tell me about France, feel free. I do make it idealistic in my head by imagining picnicking with Wade in the French countryside, and then returning to Paris so we can kiss each other on the terraces which are everywhere! SO romantic.

Now I’m so horny from writing about that I think I need to take a cold shower, jump my boyfriend when he gets home….would that be bad? Yikes.

I’A couple of weeks ago I had heard, somehow, somewhere, that Oprah was going vegan. Not that that was her goal, she was doing a 21-day cleanse that includes not eating all animal products, as well as alcohol, sugar, caffeine, and gluten. I was kind of stoked. Oprah likes a big celeb, and if she goes vegan and likes it, more than likely a lot of people who are followers will do the same thing. Either because of blind love or they listen to what she has to say and try it, too, which is awesome. So thats for the normal people that watch TV. I don’t, very often.

Now dooce, or Heather, is going for the 21-day cleanse, and I’m super excited about that. A whole other audience, and I think she has the potential to make some changes to her life and her body and be a good supporter of animal rights. I always wondered about her anyway, thinking she must be a closet vegetarian, having a dog who’s like her oldest son. Its perfectly justifiable to compare eating cow, pig, turkey, veal, lamb, etc, to eating a cat or dog. Culture’s just in the way.

What I love about this whole 21-day cleanse concept is that its just 21 days. That is so awesome. Even the most hardcore carnies, unless they’re complete pussies (which many are) would say no to a 21-day challenge. Its 3 weeks. I feel like more women are going to respond to this than men.

When people ask me about being vegan, I always tell them to try it. Even for 2 weeks. You’ll feel so different that you might not come back from it anyways. Apparently the prospect of doing something permanently scares people.

Reasons To Become Vegan/Do cleanse

if you’re not interested, don’t read this and then bitch-email me

1. Meat’s expensive. And if its cheap, its probably not good quality anyway.
2. It destroys the earth. Really. Tons of land is destroyed from the millions of grazing animals we kill each year.
3. If you give a shit about animals, you wouldn’t. Whats the difference between animals and plants? Animals have the capacity for thought, fear, and other emotions. Chickens are pretty stupid, but even they have a sense of family.
4. Its completely unnecessary. ‘Why wouldn’t you eat meat, Jen?’ Why WOULD you? You don’t need to, at all. Everything you need comes from the ground, and it doesn’t cause any living being fear, or pain.
5. We’re not really made to digest it. We can talk about teeth all day, carnies, its NOT MEANT for it. In part our mouth is probably evolving to eat meat, but for the most part its meant to shear and grind vegetables and plants. Our digestive tract has a hard time with it. You’re eating chewy, fibrous, dense muscle of another animal. Owch.
6. 12.5 acres of soy feeds 30 people/12.5 acres of wheat feeds 12 people/12.5 acres of corn feeds 5 people/12.5 acres of cow (grazing) feeds one person.
7. Eating not-meat everyday really opens up your diet and palette to interesting, delicious food. I’ve had so much food I had never eaten before since going vegan. My world of beans is past baked and black. Theres pinto, navy, northern, kidney, adzuki. Grains! Bulgur, wheat, corn, spelt, barley, rye, rices.
8. You’ll stop feeling tired, bloated, and disgusting. Your skin will clear, you’ll smell better (seriously), and you’ll lose weight.
9. If you don’t eat animal products for 6 months, and then you sit down and eat some, like chicken, or even potatoes cooked in a pan with chicken, your body will try to reject it. This happened to me one time, I was at a friends house, she fed us those potatoes, and oh BOY did we feel awful. My stomach felt like someone had dropped a stone into it and we both had awful heartburn, which we hadn’t had since going vegan. So let me ask you this: do you think if you didn’t eat asparagus for 6 months, when you sat down to eat it again your body would try to reject it, and have difficulty digesting it, and it would make you feel like crap? NO, of course not.

I’m considering doing this cleanse. I consume alcohol and small amounts of caffeine, and definitely gluten. Gluten would be the most difficult, especially since I just bought a bag of it to try Vegan Dad’s Boneless Chikn Wings recipes.

P.S. Cheese was the hardest part. I LOVE pizza. SO VERY MUCH MMMM…. But I’ve tried cheese since becoming vegan, and you know what it tastes like? What it is. MOLD. It has that sour, rotten, molding taste of dairy to it. After that you’re not so keen on eating it anymore.

Exercise

One hour of Callanetics

Food

Yves Burger with whole Wheat bun, organic ketchup, lettuce, tomato, red onion, vegenaise, and Vegan Gourmet Mozz.

One Killians beer. MM.

Piece of Chocolate Cake from Vegan Express.

Golden Delicious Apple.

Honey Bunches of Oats with Silk Light. Plain.

Leftover Falafel with Pita bread, tahini dressing, living alfalfa sprouts, spring greens.

About 6 chips with salsa (at work)

Side of steamed veggies  (steamed, but covered in margarine) from work.

WRITING THIS SHIT DOWN FUCKING SUCKS.

• I have bought a carton of Tazo Tea Chai Mix, so I can make my own Chai Lattes at home. Well, except for the latte part, as the milk is not steamed, it just IS. And soymilk is delish with it. $3.99 for the carton which makes like 6-8 cups of it, or you can go to Starbucks and pay 4.50 for a large. Once. With an upcharge for soymilk. Apparently being healthy is punishable by fine.
• Oprah’s Puppy Mill episode the other day made me bawl like a baby. I have extreme respect for the people who have to put down 35 dogs a day, and actually care. When you stop caring is when its not real anymore.
• The guy who tortured the kitten in Utah? Yeah, the one called Jesus? What was his mother thinking? If you’re gonna call your kid Jesus at least make sure he doesn’t turn out FUCKING ROTTEN. And I’m not even Christian.
• I went to Beach Boy-reformed-gynecologist yesterday. Yes, it is uncomfortable having the poker doctor look like a Beach Boy. Yes, it is. Especially when its obvious he thinks YOU’RE weird. Yeah, well I think its weird that you look at vaginas all day. Suck on that. He tried to prescribe me anti-depressants, and told him to blow me. Fucking American doctors. I will not apologize for that crack. I’m just as American as you, anyways.
• My job has fucked me over again. Apparently I’m the only one in the place who has heard of a concept called loyalty. My weakness. I’m loyal. They’re not.
• I still have not had sex. I think this almost 2 months now.
• I’ve been exercising regularly the past 2 weeks, and its going good. No noticeable changes, but I don’t expect to until I’ve built up enough muscle.